Friday Songs With Callie: Oops!...I Did It Again

Kitties, today's song is by Britney Spears.  Now, while that poor girl's life is just a hot mess (maybe I should offer my relationship counseling services?), this song, "Oops!...I Did It Again"  has a pretty catchy tune - sing along with me!

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

I think I did it again

I put my claws into the couch and made a tear

Oh, Mommie

Don’t carry on so

I was just sharpening my claws

‘Cause bad is what I do

That is just so typically me

Oh, Mommie, Mommie

[CHORUS:]

Oops!...I did it again

I played with the couch, now its all torn

Oh, Mommie, Mommie

Oops!...Maybe you’ll blame Sassy

That might work!

Cause I’m not that innocent!

Trouble's Tall Tales: My New Gourmet Food Line

-OR-

How I Re-Invented The Cat Food Industry

Kitties, I have had a very busy week.  I have just returned from Los Angeles.  I was asked to go and assist with the development of a new line of cat food.  They asked me to help because of my recent, highly successful Food Network Cooking show:  Cooking With Callie. 

Of course I couldn’t just travel without ensuring that I would be comfortable, I gave my handlers a list of my basic needs.  They included:  imported water, mink throw for the limo, fresh shrimp and caviar platter, my own personal chin scratcher and fish flakes.   I also asked for a security team and that the limo driver does not make eye contact. 

When I arrived, by private jet, I checked into the Beverly Hills Hotel Presidential Suite.  Before my meetings started, I was invited to grab a bite at Wolfgang Pucks place.  While I was eating, I was approached by the producer of the Bachelor/Bachelorette series begging me to be their next Bachelorette.  When I told them that I am no longer available and that my Sweet Ba-Boo, Kozmo was now my boykitty friend, he started crying. He got my crab cakes all soggy and salty!

My cat food line – Callie’s Cuisine for Cats – is still under development, but here are some flavors you can look forward to. 

1.      Wood Oven Roasted Rabbit in a silver vine sauce topped with roasted crickets

2.      Pan Roasted Mouse basted in chicken stock  with fresh grass

3.      Grilled Shrimp and lobster in a Chilean bass mousse

What is your favorite?

Top Seven Ways to Annoy Your Sisfur - Sassy's Response

Kitties, Sassy here.  I have taken over the blog today.  Yesterday the little brat Callie posted ways to annoy me.  What she did not post was what happens when she pulls these tricks.  And so here is my advice to brofurs and sisfurs whose has these tricks pulled on them:

1.      Wait until she is asleep, then wake her up to ask if she is asleep. (Sassy – promptly apply smacky paw. Continue applying smacky paw until you see stars circling above the head of victim.  You may stop then.)

2.      Splash water in her dry food bowl, then watch her try to figure out why her food is mushy. (Sassy – do the same to her bowl…and you do not necessarily have to use water as your fluid, hehe….)

3.      Sprinkle hot pepper on her favorite mousie toy, then watch as she rolls around trying to wipe the taste out of her mouth.  (Sassy – this one is a little hard, but try not to react when it happens, then enthusiastically thank her for adding the great flavoring to your mousie.  This will make her crazy.)

4.      Hide her ESS, but when she asks if you have seen it, say of course, “its right there – don’t you see it?  Oh, no, poor Sassy!” (Sassy – say oh, yeah, there it is, then go over and paw the air as if you are sharpening your claws. )

5.      Copy a random picture off of the internet of a boy kitty, send her an email from anonymous server saying that you are an admirer.  Then sit back and enjoy watching as she tries to figure out who he is. (Sassy – what, he isn’t real…NNNNOOOOOO!)

6.      Wait until Mommie has left the house to go shopping, then tell her that Mommie told you she was going to pick up your new “Brofur”.  (Sassy – I am not worried about this one.  I think that I have made myself perfectly clear to Mommie what would happen if she pulled this on me.)

7.      Sign her up to receive junk mail from AARC (American Association of Retired Cats). (Sassy – thank her for the great discounts your AARC membership gives you on catnip.  Tell her you are sorry she can’t have any. )

Top Seven Ways to Annoy Your Sisfur or Brofur

Kitties, as you may know, my favorite hobby is annoying Sassy.  I have decided to share my knowledge.  Feel free to try out any of these tricks on your brofurs or sisfurs. 

For purposes of this article, I use the pronoun “she” since I only have a sisfur – but these tricks would work just as well with a brofur!)

1.      Wait until she is asleep, then wake her up to ask if she is asleep.

2.      Splash water in her dry food bowl, then watch her try to figure out why her food is mushy.

3.      Sprinkle hot pepper on her favorite mousie toy, then watch as she rolls around trying to wipe the taste out of her mouth.

4.      Hide her ESS, but when she asks if you have seen it, say of course, its right there – don’t you see it?  Oh, no, poor Sassy!

5.      Copy a random picture off of the internet of a boy kitty, send her an email from anonymous server saying that you are an admirer.  Then sit back and enjoy watching as she tries to figure out who he is.

6.      Wait until Mommie has left the house to go shopping, then tell her that Mommie told you she was going to pick up your new “Brofur”. 

7.      Sign her up to receive junk mail from AARC (American Association of Retired Cats).

Secret Crush Revealed

Kitties, I am so excited and very nervous!  As several of you guessed, my not so seccret crush is the handsome and brave Kozmo.  I heard from my best friend's brother's cousins hairdresser heard Kozmo say that he thought I was cute!  I have asked Nellie to check and see if he has a girlkitty friend.  I can't wait to hear back from her.

Ode To My Secret Crush

Kitties,

Today I am going to do something a little different from my usual Friday Song.  Lately I have started noticing how many handsome boy kitties there are in the blogosphere and I must admit to having a bit of a crush on at least one of them.  Now I would tell you who it is, but of course a Lady Kitty never practice kisses in the mirror and tells!  Can you guess who it is from my poem “Ode to My Secret Crush”?

I have a secret crush I must boast.

When I go Google Reader

And see that he, not his sibling(s) has posted

My little heartbeat becomes a Speeder!

His handsome fur glistens in the light

Highlighting his beautiful markings

His jewel toned eyes are ever so bright

I hope he does not think my flirting is just a lark!

I wonder if my secret crush

Knows if I exist

Will he blush

If I give him an internet kiss?

Trouble's Thursday Adventure: The Grocery Store

OR

How Trouble Saved the Grocery Industry From Ruin

Kitties, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that I had a very exciting adventure at the Grocery Store to tell you about.  The bad news is that since I **may** have posted something earlier in the week about Sassy’s bed that angered her, Mommie made me take Old Lardbutt, er, Sassy with me on my adventure this week.

Callie’s Adventure

One day this week I awoke to the awful realization that we were completely out of cat food.  I don’t know how this happened, possibly because Mommie has been on a 5 day drunk and passed out cold on the floor.  Well, since we had not been fed in almost three whole hours, I knew that I had to do something fast or face total starvation within the hour. 

I grabbed Sassy and quickly ran and jumped into my specially modified corvette (correctly called a catvette). Stuffing Old Lardbutt Sassy into the front seat was difficult, but shortly we were ready to zip off to get some emergency food and maybe some coffee to sober Mommie up.  I did not get to the store as quickly as I had hoped, due to having to stop and help a woman on the side of the road who had gone into early labor.  She had triplets and it was a good thing I was nearby as Sassy didn’t do anything except wring her paws and say “Oh, Lordy, Miz Callie, I don’t know nothing about birthing no babies!”. 

Unfortunately, this delay meant that it had now been four hours since food.  I was starting to feel weak and light headed and Sassy was gnawing on the dashboard.  Luckily I did not have a look for a parking space for my Catvette, the store, in hopes that I would visit more often, has a specially marked “For Callie Only” parking space up front. 

Between being asked to give diet tips (everyone likes to receive diet tips from a world famous model like me) and signing autographs, it took almost 30 minutes to pick up my weekly supply of caviar and filet mignon.  After having my picture taken with the store manager (he was so proud I picked his store to shop in), it was time to stuff Sassy back into the front seat of the Catvette and return home. 

Sassy’s Adventure

I have no idea what this annoying little furball is talking about.  One day this week Mommie did go to the store to buy some hamburger. When she returned, Callie woke up long enough from her nap to stiff at the bags….although how she got drunk Mommies, women giving birth, special parking spaces, and filet mignon out of that, don’t ask me!